WARNING!!! Straight talk ahead...
Well I really can't believe how incredibly fast time flies. I'm feeling super old today. Yes, yes, everybody tells me that turning 35 is still young...well I sure don't feel it. Of course with me it never is about the actual age, but what I don't have in my life at this age.
Yes of course I'm happy with the things I've been able to accomplish in life. I've lived in several states, travelled to many places and have a great family. I've been blessed to have been able to serve the Lord as his emissary in the country of Ecuador as a full-time missionary. I was blessed to teach and love the people and learn a second language.
I've been blessed to work for a company that allowed me to continue my education and financially supported my graduate degree program so that I could earn my MBA.
I've been blessed to have been in a position to buy my first home earlier this year. Some may think I should have invested in a home earlier in my life but I have done so now and am truly happy with my purchase. I don't care that it is a 3 bedroom house or that there are those who think it is too big of a house for a single person to have. I'm just going with: "if you build it, they will come"...
I have been blessed with a wonderful family who loves me and I can feel of their love everyday. And while all of these blessings should be enough to make me feel whole or happy, I sadly am not. I hesitate to express my true feelings but writing is a release for me. I never thought that at my age I would still be single and without children. Yes I have 10 wonderful nieces and nephews but it is not the same. They don't call me "mommy". My mother was raising 5 children by the time she was my age. I know we've led very different lives but I can't help to compare my inadequacies. My sister who is 6 years younger than me has 3 children. While I am extremely happy for all of my married siblings and their families, I cannot help but feel terrible loss that I cannot share those same blessings. Kris was just married this weekend and while I am very happy he has been able to find his true love, I cannot believe he got married before me!!!
I was at a friend's baby shower a couples of weeks ago and there were maybe about 20 women there. As I looked around the room at the 15 or so women I did know and who are friends of mine, I had this overwhelming feeling that I did not belong. Every one of them have children (or are currently pregnant) and spend time together at playgroups, b-day parties for their kids, primary activities, etc and it made me so sad to think that I was not a part of the biggest part of their lives. As I was leaving, the host asked me, "Would you like to take some cookies home to your husband?" I know that she did not know that I was single and meant no harm whatsoever but while I'm used to similar comments, it felt like a knife to my heart. I would have loved to take some cookies home to my husband...if I had one.
I always thought I would be raising my children with my friends. My two best girlfriends each have 4 kids and it saddens me that I can't go through the same spouse/children ups and downs that happen in their lives. I'm rarely invited to hang out with my married friends and their spouses because they do the couples thing together and they probably think I would feel like a third wheel...and truthfully, I probably would! It just saddens me that I can't be a part of that world with them. I'm not quite sure where I belong.
I'm tired of hearing "your time will come", "this is your year", "there's someone really special being prepared for you", etc... I'm not having a pity party, truly, it's just that I feel such loss for some of the greatest blessings the lord has to give.
Another year gone by. Another year of being alone. Most times I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no-one hears me.
I can only pray that I can find a fulfilling happiness and peace in the blessings I do have and not the ones I long for.
Happy Birthday to me.
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6 comments:
First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I just want you to know that I do truly understand. Even though I have my husband, we didn't get Kaylyn until I was 32, and we'd been married 8 years. I remember all those baby showers where I was the only one without a child or expecting. It's really hard to go to them. It's still hard to go sometimes when so many people find it SO EASY to get pregnant. At the same time, I count my blesses that I don't ever have to worry about an episiostomy, yuck!
And all those years waiting for Kaylyn were hard. I didn't want to be working full-time. I wanted to be at home. With my children. I had co-workers and bosses asking what my career goals were and I would respond to quit and stay at home. I just went with the flow, taking opportunities as they came but not seeking them out.
And now, we have the decision of do we try to get a baby boy. Adam and Kaylyn vote yes. I remember how hard it was for me with Morgan. I really struggled the first 6 months. Adam doesn't deal with her birth mother - he makes me do it all. That's hard. Do I want to do that again? But then I look at friends who are holding baby boys. Or those friends who have sons who are priests, getting ready to go on a mission. Oh how I want a son to watch pass the sacrament and to go on a mission. And then I look at friends who's baby is in school and they are "free" during the day. I just don't know what the Lord wants me to do.
I do know it's hard for you. I have several single friends here. And I feel bad about not inviting them to do more stuff, but Adam isn't comfortable hanging out with me and a single sister. So it's limited. What I tell my friends here is to focus on the blessings.
You didn't have to compromise or agree on which house to buy. Or how to spend your budget. Or what tv show to watch. You get to eat what you want for dinner without someone else complaining - Oh yuck or again? (I know you always have to make dinner, no one makes it.) If you want to stay up reading, you can without keeping your spouse awake and grumbling at you.
Would I trade my husband for those freedoms, no. But like I do with not getting pregnant, try to focus on the positives.
Maybe all of us, your friends and family, will hunt for those single, decent men out there (who are close to your age) and send them your way.
Love you!!!!!!
There's some real wisdom in your final thought-- finding happiness and peace in the blessings we do have. No matter our circumstances, that's an important lesson to remember... but also such an easy one to forget. Satan does a good job and feeding us with thoughts of inadequacy, compelling us to dwell on what could have been or could/"should" be. He knows that device is destructive to our spirits and uses it to his advantage quite well. Since we have the gospel, though, we can more easily recognize his attempts to tear us down. We have that eternal perspective that he tries so desperately to get us to forget. I love you tons, Jill!
Oh yeah, and happy birthday!
"No matter how your heart is beating, if you keep on believing... The Dream That You Wish Will Come True"
We would love to come back for another wedding. You have some time until Justin comes home :)
We Love You,
Joel, Andrea and kids
Your just scrumdidlyumtious.
...I truly want these same things for you.... I pray for them.
...and please don't hate me for forgetting. You know I love you!!
Happy Birthday Jill, I love ya girl! Violet send you a big wet kiss and a hug!
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